Beyoncé = Illuminati (FACT)

On February 9, 2014 by Tim Newman

Beyonce Illuminati Evil Satan

It’s been a while since I ousted a hideous member of the glittering pop elite as an Illuminati wench. So here I am back in the saddle amusing myself with the ridiculous.

The rumours that Beyoncé is part of the New World Order have been knocking about for a few years, the “Last Supper Fiasco” outlined below happened back in late 2013. But recently she’s found herself in the conspiracy lover’s stare anew. If you’re not a fan of numerology look away now…

Joan Rivers was born in 1933 and died at the age of 81 on Beyoncé’s birthday. Yup, and guess what, Beyoncé turned 33 the day Rivers died and was born in 1981. Coincidence? I think not. If you manage to get a coincidence as damning as that you can guarantee that Rivers was killed by Knowles as an Illuminati offering. FACT. But this is just the latest in a long line of Illuminati finger waggling.

Back in December 2013 Beyoncé managed to rile up some oversensitive idiots in the US of A. She released a photo of herself in front of the last supper painting. That doesn’t sound too bad does it? Well…. wait for this: she positioned herself so she covered up Jesus. OMG! BLASPHEMY! ILLUMINATI!!

Beyonce Illuminati - Last Supper

Now come on people, not even Beyoncé thinks she’s the son of god. Daughter maybe, but not son. Ultra stuffy, far right Christian groups love taking the mickey out of Muslims for being so precious about Muhammad’s image, this is no different. If Jesus did see Beyoncé covering up an image of him (by mistake probably) this is how I reckon he would have reacted:

Wow, Beyoncé looks good for a 31-year-old, especially seeing as she does so much physical work and probably a butt-tonne of hard drugs… wait… what’s that in the background? Oh yeah, it’s that painting of a party I had before my father sent me to get killed. That was a blast. Leonardo sure is good with a paintbrush, we should hook up some time….

That’s my theory any way.

Who Is Sasha Fierce Demon?

Beyonce doesn’t help herself in this regard either. She refers to herself as being possessed by a demon called Sasha Fierce. Plenty of mothers with a religious bent are more than happy to take her word for it and ban their kids from listening to her. Again, I think Beyonce likes the idea of being some kind of pop witch. But, in reality, I doubt she really is possessed by a demon, I think it would be hard to hold down a musical career if your head was constantly rotating through 360 degree. Satanic imagery sells.

The Illuminati panickers are always worried that pop culture and celebrity worship will replace religion in homes across America. Too late, that happened ages ago. I don’t think we can really lay much blame at Beyoncé’s table. But if you, like me, don’t think she has anything to do with the Illuminati (if the Illuminati even exists at all of course) then here’s hard proof:

Beyonce Illuminati - Triangle

See! She’s making a vague triangle shape with her hands which means she is defo involved. Apparently if she doesn’t throw a triangle shape at least three times per performance Tony Blair will cut her hands off. FACT.

Illuminati collection 2

The Huffington Post popped up a satirical article claiming that Beyonce admitted her Illuminati role on an Oprah interview. Despite Huffington Post cementing their tongues firmly into their cheeks the Illuminati gaggle still took it pretty seriously. Here’s that video…



Well, whether you believe the crud or not I will leave you with a comment from one of Beyoncé’s followers. I think it ably demonstrates the problem with our pseudo-liberal belief system these days. Sheer panic at the thought that someone might be offended, even though we aren’t offended ourselves at all. Instead of trying to convince the ridiculously offended party that they are ridiculous we have learned to shield them with all of our paradoxical might:

I’m agnostic but respect religion and those who have faith. I can see why posing in front of a replica of ‘The Last Supper,’ using her image to block out Jesus, could offend. No matter whether she is or isn’t religious herself, this controversial move is disrespectful to many…






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