Crap Bacon Snack Renaissance: Which Bacon Crisp Is Supreme?

On February 17, 2018 by Tim Newman

Not everyone has the power to change the world — it is a rare ability indeed. I am proud to say that I know one man who is capable and willing to forge ahead through treacherous, virgin soil.

Recently, Mosef — our man on the inside — tasted an exhaustive range of bacon-flavoured crisps, gaining an intimate knowledge of their individual pros and cons. A question that has plagued some of the greatest minds on earth for a generation is exhaustively tackled by his gargantuan effort: which crap bacon snack is the king of crap bacon snacks?

Few of us have the mental energy and substantial financial backing necessary for a task of this order.

Of course, Mosef scores each packet of bacon crisps out of 10, he’d be a fool not to, but he doesn’t stop there; he’s kind enough to expand on his numerical rating, discussing factors as diverse as pack size, mouth clag, and the individual markings on each crisp. It is truly a labour of love.

So, without further ado, here are the results from Mosef’s Crap Bacon Snack Renaissance… without wanting to sound too clickbaity, the winner may surprise you:

Bobby’s Bacon Streaks

“…the sizzlin’ SNACK!”

  • Mildly hypnotic purple and pink bag.
  • Ambitious rendering of the maize based snacks.
  • Good heft.
  • Pleasing Bacon aroma.
  • Pitiful plumage on each snack.
  • Solid initial crunch with decent crunch to chew ratio.
  • No nonsense Bacon flavour, not too strong, not too salty.
  • Expected aftertaste with no surprises.
  • Comprehensive but manageable tooth clag.

8 / 10

Happy Shopper Bacon Rashers

  • Lacklustre, noncommittal purple bag with large snack rendering.
  • Light to medium heft.
  • Neutral odour.
  • Clearly defines markings on each maize snack.
  • Half-arsed crunch leading to immediate disillusion.
  • Meandering effort at Bacon flavour trotting quickly onto a schizophrenic palette.
  • Mellow, mushroomy aftertaste.
  • Medium tooth clag with sporadic maize limpets.

5 / 10

Aldi Snackrite Bacon Rashers

  • Reassuring heft for bag of this size.
  • Standard Burgundy packet with Snack motif (actual size?)
  • Aroma of abandoned department store upon opening.
  • Snacks not actual size.
  • Good, distinct markings on each individually shaped snack.
  • Rank prawn cocktail initial flavour leading swiftly to what I imagine a carpet left at a tip might taste like.
  • Swimming pool aftertaste.
  • Immediate, nauseating tooth clag.

0.5 / 10

KP Wheat Crunchies – Crispy Bacon

“Wheaty tubes with a serious crunch”

  • Standard burgundy packet with terrible “CRUNCH!!” stylings.
  • Way too much information printed on packet.
  • Very light heft.
  • Powerful bacon aroma.
  • Unconventional tubular snacks bereft of any markings.
  • Robust initial crunch, leading quickly to bitty mush.
  • Strong, but very inconsistent bacon flavour.
  • Very salty during the main event.
  • Curious aftertaste akin to inhaling the air from a beach ball.
  • Light to medium tooth clag offset by alarming tongue gruff.

5 / 10

Smiths ‘Frazzles’

  • Standard burgundy bag with overly jovial font and cartoon graffiti motif.
  • Ambitious rendering of crispy bacon flavoured corn based snacks.
  • Medium to good heft for bag of this size.
  • Instant and powerful bacon aroma.
  • Poor, lazy markings on each snack, some with no markings whatsoever.
  • Every snack exactly the same size, no variation.
  • Good crunch leading quickly to mushy, hard to contend with matter.
  • Overwhelming bacon flavour, way too salty on many snacks (I needed a Red Sprite [Red Stripe & Sprite] whilst dealing with these snacks).
  • Instant, weapons grade tooth clag.

3 / 10

M&S Bacon Rashers

“Made from the finest ingredients and 100% natural flavours”

  • Purple / pink bag design with ambitious representation of snacks.
  • Light heft for a bag of this volume.
  • Slightly worrying musty aroma.
  • Poor markings on each snack.
  • Lightweight corn and potato snacks.
  • Powerful, disconcerting crunch leading to quick deconstruction.
  • Strong, slightly chemically bacon flavour on each snack.
  • Weird, earthy aftertaste, not found with any contenders thus far.
  • Light to medium tooth clag.

5 / 10

Smiths Bacon Fries

  • Standard burgundy bag, with cosy pub table motif.
  • Worryingly lightweight on the heft.
  • Neutral aroma.
  • Good, sturdy form with variable, indistinct markings on each maize based snack.
  • A powerful, pleasing crunch.
  • Very strong, consistent bacon flavour.
  • Slow building but inoffensive tooth clag, possibly designed specifically to be lessened with the aid of a libation.

7 / 10

Ginco Sizzling BBQ Tasties

“Crunchy and yummiii”

  • Standard burgundy bag with pleasing extra large viewing window.
  • Good, full bodied heft upon lifting.
  • Mild, quickly passing, slight cheese aroma when opened.
  • Wheat based snacks with good range of form.
  • Good, distinct markings on each snack.
  • Strong, non-chemically bacon flavour.
  • Each snack well flavoured, some stronger than others.
  • Pleasing crunch, dissolving to smooth mouthfeel.
  • Minimal to no tooth clag.

8.5 / 10

Tesco Bacon Rashers

  • Standard burgundy bag and bacon motif.
  • Good density of snack mass upon picking up.
  • Easy on the nose when opened.
  • Sturdy, maize-based rashers.
  • Crisp bite, but swiftly dissolving body.
  • Fairly weak but consistent flavour.
  • Terrible, heavy, long-lasting tooth clag.

5.5 / 10

So, now you know. It’s Ginco all the way. With this new-found knowledge, let the world be your oyster and your mouth forever devoid of clag.

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