7 Types Of Valentines Day Loser and Why Love is Weird

Cupid, pull out your shooter, it’s time for a massacre! Whether it’s all a consumerist con or a genuine excuse to express some feelings, Valentines Day is a time when everyone gets all awkward and opinionated.

Romance and sex, is this the sum total of February 14th? Who are these people that are so involved in this odd holiday? And why do we even care? Love is weird and the way people think that they ought to act because they are, or are not, in love is even weirder.

Love? What even is it?

That haze that clouds us when we’re really into getting jiggy with someone and like them even when the jiggy part isn’t going on? The irrational fuzzy thing that makes us put up with, or even like, bad things in someone we’d NEVER tolerate from anyone else? Possession and control over another human to take the edge off our own insecurities?

The Oxford dictionary defines love as

A strong feeling of affection
A great interest or pleasure in something
A deep affection or sexual love for someone

Number one is ridiculous. I love my mum to death but the thought of giving her a cuddle is vile. If number two is love then job done that’s the answer, I love audio compressors and my dad loves cars. And number three involves affection and sex. Again, two yuk associations when it comes to mothers… Unless you’re that coked-up, incestuous, know-it-all called Freud that is.

It’s all too subjective.

Science says some pretty interesting things about love. When love is supposedly going on in us (whatever that means) loads of different chemical activity crashes about in our brains.

Dopamine, one of the chemicals cocaine also boosts, comes out to play. No wonder people get hyperactive, over sexed and highly-strung. Oxytocin gets a push as well. This chemical helps reinforce bonding or attachment in mammals. I hold this mofo accountable for a lot of stupid things I’ve done and a lot of annoying things woman have done to me in love situations – “leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone, I’ve run out of Oxytocin, OK?”

We also experience low levels of Serotonin. The subject of our love replaces this happy chemical and when it’s unrequited or we feel rejected by this person, there’s nothing to fill the void. This leads to us being overly possessive and obsessive. Ah, if only we’d known this before. Could’ve saved a lot of lives. EITHER LOVE ME OR GIVE ME BACK MY BRAIN CHEMICALS!

The stress hormone Cortisol is ramped right up too, resulting in high blood pressure and loss of sleep. All in all love leaves us stressed, tired and obsessive but we still can’t get enough of it.

Maybe we should cut out all of the compromise and emotional baggage we have to take on from another human and just do some drugs eh?

In my experience, and that’s all I really have, love boils down to three separate things and sometime we’re lucky (or unlucky) enough to have all three in one human relationship.

Love of Sex. Dependent on so many subjectively aesthetic, but mostly bio-chemical, factors.
Love of Emotions. This tends to evoke the opposite response. Nobody likes a needy wuss.
Love of intelligence. You know when you just like the way someone thinks and totally get where they’re coming from. ‘On the same wavelength’ some would say.

I don’t really know how to explain this any further because I’m no kind of guru, these are just a few observations. But my advice is, stick with the first and third. The second is a git that brings nothing but trouble.

Religion and spirituality ban the word Love around like me and my mates used to ban around girlfriends, so it’s pretty hard to take seriously (ah, now I see the connection). There’s an Indian dude talking about love at the start of an Alice Coltrane record called ‘A Love Supreme’. The guy sounds well enlightened. Maybe he has the answer?

Love is a sacred word. Love is the name of god. The entire universe was created by love with love and in love. Love is the beginning, love is the continuation and love is the end. Love for love’s sake is divine. It is non-constricted. It is beautiful. Brings peace, brings harmony, brings joy to the lover and to the loved. But if love is selfishness, egoism, the very same love brings restriction. Peace and harmony is based on love and used selflessly for the benefit of humanity. Love knows no business, love knows no bargain, and love never expects anything in return. Love knows only giving, giving, giving without ever waiting for a thank you. Love is the supreme one.

Delightful sentiment, but what a load of cosmic codswallop. How the flip is that going to help this bunch of pathetic St Valentine’s Day losers?

1. The Unrequited Jealous Loser.

We’ve all been there. Unlucky enough to fall for someone who doesn’t reciprocate the love. Some are in it longer than others. The apple of your eye has other admirers and they just aren’t as good as you. What can they offer that you cant? Good looks? Security? Natural attraction? The fact that you are you and said love interest will simply never dig you? Pah! No excuse. You know you are the right one but why can’t they see it? This time of year is hard for this type of loser because just as you’re getting a grip on the situation, Valentine’s Day comes around and brings it all home. Get over it; it’s never going to happen.

2. The ‘Let’s All Us Girls Go See Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Loser.

Sisters doing it for themselves. These losers are OK. No real pretense, just making the best of the fact that they’re well gutted about being single. It’s no hen night either. They’re not out to out-bloke blokes, just provide each other some company and pretend that they’re happy enough just to have some friends.

3. The Proud Singleton Loser.

These losers will cry themselves to sleep. Lots of pretense here. Happy to have their freedom, shag around and make believe that they love their own company. Blah, blah, blah. Some have pets and claim that’s all they need. Why don’t you just admit that you’re crushingly lonely? You’ll still be crushingly lonely when you’re in a relationship too.

4. The Player Loser.

There’s nothing wrong with someone who knows what they want. Trawling through Tinder, looking for the proud lonely singletons. This is a great time of year for the player. Shooting fish in a barrel. Valentines Day falls on a Saturday this year so there’ll be plenty of nightlife action. Some of the world’s most industrious people capitalize on desperation.

5. The ‘Genuinely Not Bothered’ Loser

Hobbies, vocations and being generally content in their own lives make this type of loser equally admirable and annoying. “Ooo look at me, I’m all secure and happy just living my life”. Valentines Day is non-existent to these lucky blighters. I was one myself for many years and can honestly say that there are two ends to this stick. The bliss of not having to be remotely involved in any of the issues this article addresses. And missing out on massive life experiences and lessons that come from things like love and pain. Still, these losers have it made.

6. The ‘I Show My Love All Year Round’ Loser

We all know Valentine’s Day is a massive con but come on, play the game if it makes your partner happy. These losers generally don’t show their partner love all year round either. They either begrudgingly do semi-nice things to ensure a bit of oo-la-la, flat refuse to partake or make a show of pretending not to care, but really love playing Casanova behind closed doors. Lazy behavior.

7. The ‘We’re In Love Love Love Lovely Love Love’ Losers.

These losers make me sick. Holding hands. Gazing into each other’s eyes. Buying each other either really thoughtful or tacky presents. The attitude of number 6 is more than often born from these losers’ gross display of painted on affection. Yes we know you’re in love but if you stay like this much longer you’ll only end up hating each other and forever be trying to rekindle something that you never really felt anyway.

I pity these losers. They’re only digging themselves into a deeper, more pathetic hole of misery, emptiness and guilt when they inevitably get bored and stray.

Still haven’t really got a clue about what in Crom’s name love really is all about. Religion tells us that love is everything and science explains what happens when we’re going through it.

Just make sure to not let this odd little rapscallion affect you too much and try to hold it down. Remember:

It’s only love.

Come back next year for ‘1 St Valentine’s Day Legend’. It’ll be Al Capone’s wooing tips, heavily based on getting girls illegally drunk and showing off by shooting loads of enemies.