Lazer Horse’s Predictions For 2016

On January 2, 2016 by Tim Newman

Predictions 2016 - Psychic Poster

I’ve decided to make a career change, I’m going to become a TV psychic. I may as well. It’s not like you have to be accurate or anything, just make some guesses.

For the first time ever, I’m going to make some watertight predictions for the upcoming year. 2016 is likely to be much the same as the last one, so I have a pretty good chance of getting at least something correct.

I like to think of myself as a modern-day Mystic Meg, a Russell Grant of the teenies, if you will. And, much like the psychics du jour, I will cast my prediction net wide, ensuring that I get at least one direct hit. Then, around about this time next year, I will write a post celebrating my immaculate insight regarding the correctly predicted matter, whilst simultaneously ignoring my many errors. That’s how the pros do it.

The new year is upon us. So, without further friggin’ about, here is my mighty foresight:

General Predictions for 2016

Predictions 2016 - Psychic

I predict that world peace will not be reached in 2016. There will be a worsening of some conflicts. Most people (on a global scale) will get poorer and more ill.

Celebrities will still be of interest to huge swathes of people in the West, despite most intelligent folks on earth not understanding what they are actually for. On that note, the Kardashians will still be all pervasive in the media because, for some reason, millions of people find them of interest. This mystery will never be fully understood.

Some new movies will be released in 2016. Many of them will be awful.

The Royals

Predictions 2016 - Psychic - Prince Charles

These guys will continue scrounging off the state, but no one will mind too much because, let’s be honest, the world has bigger fish to fry these days.

Kate will fall pregnant again, the child will be of the female variety but she will carry some kind of major genetic abnormality. Possibly an extra limb or a set of goat-like horns.

At this juncture, I would like to make a longer term prediction: Kate and William’s eldest two children will be killed in a helicopter accident around 2032 and their sadly mutated child, who I think they will call Elizabeth, will eventually take the throne. The enemies of the UK will mock our “behorned Queen,” but in defiance of the ridicule, Brits will rally around her, turning even the most staunch anarchists slightly pro-Elizabeth III.

Prince Charles will continue to be a bit of a div, as will Prince Philip.

The Queen will die minutes before the 2016 Christmas speech is set to begin, but they will air it anyway because it’s pre-recorded. Loads of people will be upset about the Queen’s death, but more people will be upset because they aired it after she had died. People are weird like that.

Jumping forward once more, to 2030: America will decide to install a monarchy in the style of King Henry VIII. All Kings (there will be no Queens) will be decided upon by divine appointment and their decisions will be cast in stone.

The Russians

Predictions 2016 - Psychic - Rasputin

After a long period of palpable indifference, Russia and the US are back at loggerheads. In a strange way, America is happy to pretend that this is the norm. Once again, Russia is deemed the bad guy and America, the goody. If only politics was that simple, they’re both good and bad, but mostly bad.

In Russia’s favour, they haven’t started as many wars as America has recently, and their leader is actually more believable than most American politicians. But then, they all are.

In 2016, I think relations will sour further. All American film baddies will, once again, be Russian. Fox News will be filled to the brim with anti-Russian rhetoric. I also predict that America will start pretending Russia is planning to imminently nuke them.

This situation can’t end well, and I think that it will only be Putin’s reserve that stabilises the two nations. The fact that we are reliant on a homophobic, ex-KGB megalomaniac for world peace should strike everyone as a bit of a worry.

The Americans

Predictions 2016 - Psychic Strange

Their police force will continue be strengthened, the military will receive huge increases in spending, oil consumption will rise, xenophobia will rise, murders of black kids by cops will rise.

The rest of the world will like the Americans less and less. They are already the most feared country in the world, this won’t get any better.

Obama will be assassinated in March 2016, a bit like Julius Caesar. After his death, his private diaries will be released, revealing the inner turmoil he felt regarding the illegal wars and gun laws in America. He will be the next generation’s JFK.

In 2016, Donald Trump will become so sure of himself that he will attempt to walk on water. As he sinks, a Mexican immigrant will dive in and save his life. Trump will sue the man for assault and win.

In June, Trump will be arrested for fraud, bribe everyone concerned and get off Scot free. As he is reading his triumphant speech outside of the courtroom, a lone wolf will throw a pebble which plucks out one of his eyes.

The British

Predictions 2016 - Britain Complaining

Business as usual: a lot of winging and moaning, but generally carrying on in the same vein. The rich will get substantially wealthier under Conservative rule, the poor will get significantly poorer. This difference will be celebrated by the Conservatives, denied by the rich and blamed on the immigrants by the poor.

Loads of people will moan about immigrants because there “isn’t enough money going around” without taking a look at how many very wealthy people there are that can afford three homes and eight holidays a year. The general population will still be angry that people even worse off than them can catch a break in the UK, despite the fat cats with their 12 classic cars consistently fleecing them.

The National Lottery will go from strength to strength.

The Daily Mail will continue to peddle crap, crud and cowpats.

The NHS will continue to be dismantled. Many people will also be winging and moaning about the “collapse” of services. Cameron and his slapped-arse face will use this as a reason to continue his unwarranted meddling. Despite doctors, nurses and other health care staff’s valid opinion, he will do whatever suits his well-oiled mates best. Because he can. Because democracy is broken and most people don’t seem to mind.

The X-Factor will finally breathe its last breath and die. In 2017, something even more vacuous and embarrassing will take its place.

The Middle East

Predictions 2016 - Psychic - Middle East

Throughout 2016, the region known as the Middle East will remain entirely buggered. Everyone will have their own opinion as to what should happen there, but America will do what it likes because it’s the richest guy in town and has the most guns.


Predictions 2016 - China Horse

In September 2016, China will forge even stronger links with its old ally, Russia. This will really upset America. In 2017, relationships will sour further as Russia and China decide to meddle in countries which America is already meddling in (maybe South Korea or Iran).

In 2025, China’s economy will go into free fall. This dip in their finances will spark up a desire to expand. They will decide to go after more Japanese territory.

America will back Japan and South Korea will also join in. Russia will back China, as will North Korea (although they have literally no weapons, so no one is bothered either way, it’s just symbolic really).

In 2040, after some years of stalemate, America will drop a nuclear bomb on China. Russia will release a retaliation.

By 2050, earth will be little more than a husk.


Predictions 2016 - Future of Science

During 2016, no one will find out anything new.

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