Lazer Horse’s Predictions For 2020

On December 19, 2019 by Tim Newman

Each year, I polish my powers of foresight. As it stands, they are incredibly weak; so weak, in fact, that they are not perceptible. I didn’t bother writing predictions for 2019 because 2018 was so violently unusual. But I’m back for 2020 with a vengeance. I do not fear failure.

Also, because 2020 is such an enjoyably round number, it would be a shame not to use it in an H1.

To be entirely transparent, this post is just an opportunity for me to fire some of my primary gripes onto the internet under the guise of being a wannabe Mystic Meg.

Let’s start with the big guns:


HAHAHAHA. In 2018, I predicted that Brexit shenanigans would still be trundling on toward the end of 2019. In my heart of hearts, at the time, I didn’t think it would go on that long.

As anyone who has visited earth will have noticed, Brexit is still riding the long and infinitely convoluted horse manure conveyor belt of doom.

Boris, of course, is promising a swift and hard exit at all costs. As enchanting as that sounds, I believe I’ve caught a whiff of that pork pie a couple of times already.

This backdrop of crushing, glacial activity makes predicting 2020’s Brexit activity a little challenging. But, if my foresight is correct (and it never is), I predict that the United Kingdom will still be squabbling and hollering about “Brexit getting done” well into 2021.

Just under half of those who voted in the referendum didn’t want to leave the EU. Now, some of those folk are so bored of hearing about it that they want to leave immediately so that their senses can stop being bludgeoned by the hideous portmanteau that is Brexit.

The other half-and-a-bit who voted in the referendum do want to leave.

Some of this group of brave Brexiteers only voted because they wanted to be willfully difficult; they were never particularly arsed either way. However, some of this brigade have now become so infuriated and entrenched that they have become radically anti-EU.

Interestingly, though, many of these Leave-lovers were older adults, and a significant proportion is now dead (or they will be by the time we exit the continent). Conversely, youngsters were more likely to be pro-EU, and each year, more of those pesky kids reach voting age; so, by the time we leave the EU, it is likely that the majority of people in the UK will be dreaded Remoaners.

This state of affairs would be funny if it weren’t so serious and depressing and boring and lengthy and expensive.

So my prediction on Brexit is: NO CHANGE – we will still be arguing and just as divided as 2021 rolls around; and the EU will be exasperated. They might even start placing sanctions on us as the US of A begins wrapping its chlorinated chicken tendrils around our NHS. Joy be unbridled.


When Trump was running for President, I did not think for a second that such a chump could become one of the most powerful people on earth. I was wrong, and so were a great deal of “experts.” It just shows how difficult it is to predict anything in these weird and, let’s be frank, shitty times.

As I write this, Trump has just been impeached. In a right and proper time, that would trigger the end of his political career and spark a slow dive into obscurity. Of course, this present time is neither proper nor right.

With this in mind, I assume that the negativity fired toward Trump will slide off his reptilian shoulders like watery vomit off a shoulder of gammon. His followers will be SHOCKED TO THEIR VERY CORE ABOUT THIS VILE PERSECUTION OF THEIR FAIR AND TRUSTED LEADER – ALL CAPS WILL BE USED EXCLUSIVELY DURING DISCUSSIONS OF THIS TRAVESTY ON FACEBOOK.

“Fake news” will be hollered from every corner of white, poor America, and Trump will appear victorious in all of his tangerine splendor. His troops will rally around his sizeable ego and massage him into an eternal political career.

A Snowflake Switcheroo

Over the past few years, the term “snowflake” has become the coolest insult for the right to use against the left, and the old to use against the young. If you’ve not come across it, snowflake means someone who is easily offended; someone who cries to their Mummy whenever they are insulted.

I feel that there might be a switcheroo coming. Young people, liberals, lefties, and the marginalised are all realizing that, in fact, it is their opposite numbers who are the snowflakes.

Brave warrior of the people, Piers Morgan, was shaken to his rotting core that a sausage roll could be produced without meat. He was genuinely upset. Others are terrified and offended about people falling in love with people of the same sex; others still are terrified and offended that some people do not believe in God *gasp.

Individuals on the right are down-right terrified of people of colour going anywhere at any time. They see one in the street: OH LORD IT’S A TERRORIST. They see one in the Whitehouse: OH LORD SATAN IS UPON US.

The White Right are snowflakes to the core. Sure, they might have better access to weapons and wear camo, but that’s only because they are scared.

The Rise of Ageism

Sexism, racism, transphobia, homophobia, the list goes on. I don’t think it’s possible to say that all of these things are rising; some probably are, while others might, gradually, be on the wane.

Ageism, though, I predict, will become more apparent in 2020. As mentioned above, in the UK, Brexit/Leave votes were split by age group. The recent Conservative win was primarily driven by older folk, too.

Already, we have the first ageist slur to reach the dizzying heights of meme culture: Boomer. This is a shortened version of Baby Boomer, which refers to the group of adults born between 1946 and 1964.

Although it’s just a way of categorising an age group, it is becoming a slur. Of course, older generations have been using the term “Millennials” as an insult for some time, but the younger team is now beginning an intensified backlash. Here’s an example:

As the average age of Western societies grows steadily upwards (although this advance is faltering in the UK and US), a war between young and old can’t end well.

There have always been fights between young and old; in some ways, that’s just the nature of humanity — we have a knee jerk reaction against anyone who isn’t like us.

But, I predict that the gulf between the two will slowly creep wider until it becomes a yawning, desolate valley where no one ever sleeps…. and the nights will be long and dark… and the telly’s stopped working… and the boilers on the blink.

The Climate

Oh yeah, the climate, that old chestnut. Sadly, this can only get worse because no one with any cash is taking it seriously enough. Sure, you can deny climate change all you want, but even if the planet isn’t slowly warming up, we’re still polluting our atmosphere and cutting down millions of trees.

Even if the climate scientists are all wrong and global warming is a hoax, your car exhaust still produces carcinogens, and the oil is running out (however slowly that might be, it is still a finite resource).

Pollution causes disease and early death. Looking to alternative, cleaner energy is a must. This is happening, for sure, but at a slow and unsteady pace… it’s almost as if oil companies don’t want us to stop using oil, isn’t it?

We are all to blame because we like having things and we don’t think about where they’re coming from. But there we are, we’re selfish. We all can and should make changes to protect the planet, but it’s the big guys and gals that need to be onboard to make substantial improvements. The people at the top need to make changes, and, to be quite honest, that doesn’t look likely.

I predict that, in 2020, there will be some kind of startling climate cataclysm. Nothing that will kill too many people, but something that will make scientists go, “Oh wow, that’s worrying.” But most people won’t hear about it, politicians will talk it down on the behest of Big Business, and we’ll carry on being absolute gits to the environment.

Ending On A Positive?

A positive you say? Sure… OK…. ermmmm… I mean, there are always positives, but sometimes, particularly after you’ve been ranting at a keyboard for an hour, they are difficult to remember.

One thing that I think will continue to grow in popularity is vegetarianism/veganism. It’s become quite “trendy” at the moment, which can sometimes be the death of a movement, but I’m hoping that’s not the case here.

Interestingly, people on the right of center, politically, are really concerned about this move away from meat. It’s funny really, what a strange thing to get worried about.

I have only recently converted to vegetarianism, myself, so I’m not trying to be high and mighty or anything, but it really does make a lot more sense.

Animals are sentient (read more about that here and here), and we are torturing and killing them daily. That, in itself, is enough for most people.

Meat production is also a nightmare for the environment (read more about that here, here, and here), so there’s that, too. And a plant-based diet is better for your health, so there’s another thing.

People will argue black and blue against all three of the points above, but the evidence is stacked up on the plant eaters’ plates.

“Oh well, I could never give up bacon, LOL.”

No problem, mate. That’s up to you, really. Everyone has a different view of things, but to talk down or vilify people who have a slightly different diet is pretty weird. But that’s what happens. “Oh, they want us to all be vegans now.” “Ugh, the vegan agenda.”

To be fair, the tiny minority of overly vocal vegans have produced a sour taste in meat-eaters mouths, but it is a small slither of the population.

It’s laughable when you think about it: a group of people who want to be less horrible to animals and the environment manage to upset people. It’s daft. I wrote a big piece on why veganism makes people angry earlier this year.

I predict that 2020 will be a positive year for the plant-based diet. Wow… that’s not exactly the dramatic closing thought I had hoped for this article, but there you go, 2020 is set to be a huge pile of rotten, steaming Quorn mince.

Glad tidings to all.

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