With the world’s economy sinking into a pit of despair, a lot of people are having to change their holiday plans. Australia, the Maldives, Gwent, they’re all way off budget.
So, I thought I’d write this informative guide to hell, incase you were planning on visiting any of its nine circles this season. Sure, it doesn’t have the lush green vistas of Corby or Worthing, but its temperatures are balmy all year long.
The circles themselves were first discussed in full by Dante in the 14th-century; he covered them at length in the first part of his epic poem, Divine Comedy. Dante was lucky enough to be guided through the wonders of the evil rings by Virgil, the Roman poet.
As for the sort of clothing you’ll need to take, that’s a bit tricky – you’re likely to encounter icy rain and fire, so take along all options, including some sturdy footwear. Remember, these notes are just a guide. The author is not responsible if you slip into a lake of fire and burn your new hat.
Your trip will start off relatively easily; the first circle is called Limbo. This is a place inhabited by people who weren’t tooooo bad, but didn’t believe in Jesus or get baptised. It sounds alright to be honest, there are green fields and a castle. Not very hell-like at all. If I were you, I’d take the opportunity to have a picnic now, it gets significantly less lush the further down you go.
Whilst in the first circle, Dante met some of its more famous occupants, including Socrates, Plato and Aristotle, so you’ll have good company.
The circles from here on in are dedicated to people who have purposefully been naughty. That’s when things get a bit less holiday-like. But stay on the path and within earshot of your guide and you should be fine…
In the poem, Dante condemns the residents of the second circle as “carnal malefactors,” which has a pretty natty sound to it, and yes, of course there’s a death metal song called Carnal Malefactors.
The people down here in the 2nd circle are buffeted by high winds constantly. Day and night. No respite and absolutely no hope of it letting up. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy chill out down here.
Cerebrus, the “great worm” guards the 3rd circle. He has a fairly strict door policy and can be a bit of a nuisance. Take Virgil’s lead and fill his three mouths with mud, that should ensure you get through.
Once again, this isn’t a spot to hang around in for too long. The 3rd circle endures constant storms and the residents are forced to lie in the filthy slush produced by the ceaseless icy rains.
These gluttonous men and women lie next to each other but are blind, never even knowing their neighbours are next to them; this symbolises the selfishness of indulging in gluttony and other addictions. On the plus side, it’s nice and quiet.
Greed is your fourth stop on the journey through hell. When they say “greed” they mean material greed and selfishness. There are two distinct groups down here, those that held on to possessions selfishly, including a lot of clergymen, popes and cardinals; and second, those that squandered goods.
The two sets of sinners are forced to joust each other continuously. This sounds like a gay old time, but they are only allowed to use incredibly heavy weapons that they push around with their chests, and they can never stop. Buzz killer.
The groups are so immersed in their battling that they have lost all sense of themselves. So although there might not be much chat go on during your stay, there will be constant sporting entertainment. And that’s at no extra cost. Beat that Sky Sports.
So we’re on the river Styx for the fifth circle, call it a cruise, if you like. Here we encounter angry people fighting on the surface of the waterway and sulky people lying gurgling beneath the surface.
I’ve heard the water is particularly tempting during September and October, so maybe plan your trip for then, and if you do take a dip, try not to interfere with the sullen souls, they’ve got enough to deal with. Thanks. And, if you see Medusa (she visits occasionally), whatever you do, don’t look at her, she hates that.
From here on in, once we’ve crossed the river Styx ,we are into the inner circles. These are situated within the walls of Dis which is surrounded by the Stygian marsh. Here you’ll find some wonderful wading birds if you come at the right time of year. I saw a little egret and a couple of herons last September.
As for the occupants of the sixth circle, they are guilty of willfully disbelieving the scriptures and their teachings. As punishment, they are constantly enshrined in burning tombs for eternity. Fair enough.
Seventh circle on the next page…
Now, the trip downwards to the seventh circle is pretty steep, so please bring appropriate foot wear. It really can be rather treacherous, especially on a rainy day. The entry is guarded by a Minotaur, so try and keep your cool as you pass, and whatever you do, don’t make any wise cracks or attempt small talk. They really don’t take kindly to that at all.
The seventh circle is divided into three separate rings, just to add to the confusion. There’s quite a bit going on down here as you’ll see…
Here you’ll meet sinners who were violent towards other people and belongings. They will be bubbling away in the boiling river of blood and fire called Phlegethon. You might see Atilla the Hun here if you’re lucky.
Centaurs patrol the river’s edge, shooting arrows into anyone that bobs too high above the surface, so absolutely no swimming.
The middle of the three rings holds the suicides and profilgates. The suicides are transformed into wisened old thorny bushes and pecked at by Harpies.
The profligates are people who didn’t take their own lives per se, but ruined it for themselves by being willfully wasteful with property or money. This group are constantly chased and mauled by vicious looking dogs. They crash their way through the woody suicide bushes causing both groups further damage. Try and stay out of the action if you can.
Here you’ll get to meet the wonderful blasphemers and sodomites. A very naughty bunch indeed. There’s flaming sand and fiery lakes so bring a beach towel and sun block if you plan to hang out here for any length of time.
The journey into the next couple of circles involves descending down the sheer face of a cliff. Dante managed this on the back of a three-headed monster called Geryon (below). He’s not cheap but he is reliable. If you plan on using him, book early to avoid disappointment, otherwise it’s a pretty long abseil/fall.
Fraud is very serious as we all know, so this circle has been split into no less than 10 separate Bolgies which are ditches made of stone, connected by bridges. All have their own charms, but if you haven’t got time to see them all, maybe just pick a couple from the following list:
Here you’ll see two lines of sinners being whipped by demons for eternity. Stay well clear of the whips, demons aren’t fussy who they wallop.
These guys and gals just stand about covered in human excrement. Although it’s pretty entertaining, the smell can be a touch overwhelming, particularly in the summer months… and the flies! Jeez. On the plus side you won’t have much competition when it comes to looking for a space to set up your tent.
Simony is the act of selling on church roles and offices. Naughty, naughty. These fellas, most of which are popes and the like, have their heads trapped in holes in rocks and their feet eternally burned by flames. The smell is much less bad here, especially if you’re fond of bacon, but the screaming will upset some of the younger guests.
This unfortunate group have their heads twisted round 180 degrees so that they have to constantly walk backwards. If one removes one’s sympathy gland this can actually be pretty amusing. There’s a lot of stumbling, think You’ve Been Framed mixed with Hell Raiser.
Devils called Malebranch (“Evil Claws”) guard these wicked men as they’re immersed in a boiling lake of pitch. Apparently Cameron has already booked his space.
No one likes a hypocrite do they? They’re condemned to wander about in heavy cloaks made of lead. If you’re going to skip any of the Bolgies I suggest skipping this one.
There’s not a lot going on although occasionally you’ll see one of the hypocrites fall over; the effort it takes them to get back up again can be pretty amusing.
This Bolgie is worth visiting for the guardian alone, a centaur named Cacus. Cacus has a fire breathing dragon on his shoulder and snakes all over his equine back. Quite a sight, be sure to take a photo and tag me when you upload it, I miss that guy… terible breath, though.
The residents here are constantly bitten and attacked by snakes and lizards. With each bite, the thieve’s slowly morph into other things, gradually losing their identity; so there’s more than adequate entertainment for the whole family.
These are people who specifically used a position of power to convince others to be fraudulent. Each of these sinners has their very own flame that they are stuck in – forever. You’ll see Ulysses here for the part he played in the Trojan Horse fiasco.
There has to be a metal band called Sowers of Discord surely? (I looked it up, and there isn’t, but there is a Brazilian band called Necronomicon Beast that released an album of that name). In this enchanting section you can sit back and relax as a demon hacks their bodies into little pieces.
As they are hacked, their wounds quickly heal and they are hacked once more. There’s a lot of hacking to watch and, if you play your cards right, you can catch a glimpse of Muhammad getting a sword bashing. Muhammad’s cousin and son-in-law, Ali is also down here for the perceived role he played in the split between Sunni and Shia.
You might also come across Bertran de Born (a 12th century Occitan troubadour) carrying his own head as a lantern. This Bolgie really is a must see if you’re delving this far into hell. If you only visit one of the Bolgies, make it 8.9, it really is a riot and chocked full of celebs.
There’s all sorts down here in Bolgie 10, including alchemists, counterfeiters, perjurers and impostors. They are all given different diseases to bear. It’s not that exciting to be honest, if I wanted to watch someone with a fever I’d just sit in my local GP’s office for half a day.
Ninth and final circle on the next page…
You really won’t be disappointed if you visit the ninth circle. It’s completely surrounded by huge giants. They’re worth the entrance money on their own, but if you see one that looks like he’s about to sneeze, make sure you tuck and cover otherwise you’ll find yourself right back at the third circle.
The ninth is split into a further four rounds:
Named after Cain, who famously killed his brother in the Bible, this area is for those that have been traitors to kindred. They just sit there shivering, submerged up to their chins in ice.
Named after Antenor of Troy who, according to medieval tradition, betrayed his city to the Greeks. These guys get the same treatment as those in 9.1.
Here are housed people who have been traitors to guests, named after Ptolemy, son of Abubus, who invited Simon Maccabaeus and his sons to a banquet and then slaughtered them. They get a slightly worse deal and are lying on their backs with nothing but their faces free of the icy waters.
Named after Judas, the man synonymous with the word traitor. These sinners are traitors of lords and benefactors. These unfortunates are contorted into hideous positions and completely encapsulated in ice.
Finally, in the very centre of hell, you finally get to see Satan himself. He’s incarcerated for having committed the ultimate sin – personal treachery against God. Dante describes him as a terrifying beast, stood waste deep in freezing water.
According to Dante, Satan has three heads of different colours – yellow, red and black. Satan is constantly weeping from all six eyes and flapping all six wings. Each of his three mouths is busy chewing on a traitor. Brutus and Cassius take up two of the mighty slobbering slots and the most grizzly of the mouths is saved for Judas himself, for betraying Jesus obvs.
Judas’ head is constantly gnawed by Satan’s oozing mouth whilst his claws constantly skin his back. Itt really is a must-see if you get that far.
As for escaping hell after you’ve done your sightseeing, that can be a bit of a challenge. Dante managed the escape by scaling down Satan’s fur and passing through the centre of the earth. That’s probably your best bet. But do keep in mind, when you pop up on the other side of the world you will need to buy a return flight, that’s not covered in the tour price.
And remember: STICK TO THE PATH.
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